Five Things You Should Never Say to Kids, According to a Parenting Expert

By the time kids turns 18, researchers estimate that parents will have spoken around 100 million words to them. That’s a staggering number when you stop to think about it. Bedtime stories, school-day questions, instructions, praise, warnings, jokes, arguments, encouragement, frustration, it all adds up.

And while it can often feel like children are only half-listening (or not listening at all), the truth is more complex. Many of the words we say to our children don’t disappear. They linger. They echo. Some of them quietly settle into a child’s inner voice, shaping how they see themselves, how they handle failure, how they relate to others, and even how they speak to themselves as adults.

Of course, most parents love their children deeply and would never intentionally say something harmful. But parenting doesn’t happen in calm, carefully scripted moments. It happens in the middle of stress, exhaustion, financial pressure, emotional overload, and inherited habits from our own childhoods. In those moments, it’s easy to reach for the first phrase that comes to mind, especially one that once worked to control behaviour or end an argument quickly.

According to parenting experts and kids counsellors, some common phrases, even ones that sound harmless or familiar, can have lasting emotional effects if repeated over time. They may plant seeds of shame, comparison, emotional suppression, or conditional love. In some cases, adults later unpack these words in therapy, trying to understand why they feel “not good enough,” unseen, or emotionally disconnected.

The encouraging news is this: awareness changes everything. By pausing to consider how a child might interpret our words, we can interrupt harmful cycles and replace them with language that builds emotional safety, resilience, and self-trust. Drawing on insights from counselling practice and child psychology, here are five things you should never say to your child and what to say instead if you want to raise emotionally healthy, confident humans.

“Good girl” or “Good boy” – At first glance, this sounds positive. After all, praise is good, right. The problem arises when children learn that being “good” is about earning approval, rather than understanding the value of their actions. When praise is vague and tied to identity (“you are good”), children may start to believe love and acceptance are conditional, dependent on behaving perfectly or pleasing others. Over time, this can create adults who struggle with people-pleasing, fear mistakes, or feel anxious when they don’t receive validation.

What to say instead – Focus on the specific action, not the label. Instead of: “Good boy!”

* Try: “It was really helpful how you put your shoes on by yourself this morning. That gave us more time to get to school.” This kind of feedback helps children feel proud of their choices and effort, not dependent on approval. It teaches internal motivation rather than external validation, a crucial life skill.

2. “Go away, I can’t talk to you now” – When emotions run high, especially after kids says something hurtful or pushes a boundary, withdrawing can feel like the safest option. Many parents say this to avoid shouting or saying something they’ll regret. But from a child’s perspective, being sent away during emotional moments can feel like rejection, even if that’s not the intention. Children may internalise the message that strong emotions make them unlovable or too much to handle.

Repeated often, this can shape a belief that conflict equals abandonment.

What to say instead – Model emotional honesty while staying connected.

Try:

* “I’m feeling really upset right now and need a few minutes to calm down. Let’s talk when we can both listen.” This approach does something powerful: it shows that emotions don’t end relationships. Communication pauses, but connection remains. Your child learns that even during conflict, love is steady and repair is possible.

3. “You’re just like your mother” or “You’re just like your father” – Children naturally see themselves as a blend of both parents. So when kids hears this phrase, especially said with frustration or contempt, it can land as a deeply personal attack. All the unresolved anger, criticism, or resentment you may hold toward your co-parent suddenly feels dumped onto the child. The message they hear is not about behaviour; it’s about identity. This can lead children to believe: “I can never be fully accepted for who I am” “Half of me is bad” “I’m destined to repeat negative family patterns”

In adulthood, this often shows up as identity confusion, low self-worth, or fear of becoming someone they’ve been told they already are.

What to say instead – Avoid comparisons — positive or negative.

If something your child does reminds you of your partner or ex, pause and ask yourself: Am I reacting to my child, or to unresolved feelings from my adult relationship? Respond to the present behaviour, not the past.

For example:

“I didn’t like how you spoke just now. Let’s talk about a better way to say it.”

This separates the child from adult conflicts and gives them freedom to become their own person.

4. “It didn’t do me any harm” – Many parents say this when they’re trying to toughen their children up, especially if they themselves survived hardship, strict parenting, or emotional neglect. Sometimes, it’s also a way to manage our own discomfort at seeing our child struggle. If we minimise their pain, we don’t have to sit with it.

But for kids, this phrase often translates to:

“Your feelings don’t matter”
“You’re weak for feeling this way”
“You’re wrong for being hurt”

Every child experiences the world differently. Measuring their pain against yours doesn’t build resilience, it creates emotional distance.

What to say instead

Acknowledge their experience without judgment.

Try:

“I can see that was really hard for you. It must have felt lonely and overwhelming.” You can still share your own experience, but without comparison:
“I went through something similar, but I know your experience is your own.” This approach validates their emotions while gently supporting resilience, not forcing it.

“You’re fine” or “You’re overreacting” – When a child is upset, these words are often meant to reassure. But they usually have the opposite effect.

Instead of calming, they can make children feel:

Dismissed
Misunderstood
Ashamed of their emotions

As children grow, these phrases often evolve into:

“You’re too sensitive”
“Just ignore it”

Over time, children may stop trusting their feelings altogether or struggle to express them in healthy ways.

What to say instead

Regulate yourself first. Take a breath. Offer comfort before logic.

Then try:

“I can see that this really hurts. Let’s talk about what upset you.”

For older children and teens:

“Can I help you work out why this feels so big for you?”
“I can see why you feel sad, angry, or frustrated about that.”

Helping children name their emotions teaches them that feelings are information, not weaknesses and that they deserve care.

Words That Shape Futures

No parent gets this right all the time. We all slip. We all repeat things we once heard. What matters isn’t perfection, it’s awareness, repair, and intention. Children don’t need flawless parents. They need adults who are willing to pause, reflect, and say, “I’m learning too.” Because those 100 million words? Some of them will stay forever. And with care, they can become a voice that says:

You matter. Your feelings make sense. You are loved — even when things are hard.

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